The Death Phantom
One dark and scary night, a boy by the name of Jack snuck out one night by the sound of ghouls while he jumped out the window. Jack got pulled back in, by a death phantom.
Jack was getting forced into the phantom when he got out he had powers. He could fly, walk through walls, and shoot death balls that turn people into zombies. Jack used his powers to help fight crime and save the day. Days past and Jack was starting to look like the phantom then he had an instinct to become a villain and fight with crime instead of fighting it.
Your first sentence repeats its self, if you get rid of some of the words and won't repeat its self. Also the first sentence is a touch confusing, part of the reason may be the repeating. The story has a lot of: Jack...and little word starters.
ReplyDeleteTry to read it out loud and fix up some of the sentences because right now its a little choppy and confusing.
I enjoyed your story but if you fix a few things it will be awesome!
Cool story! This line 'Jack was getting forced into the phantom when he got out he had powers' is confusing I think it could use a comma.
ReplyDeleteSentence beginnings start with 'Jack' a lot. When it says, 'One dark and scary night, a boy by the name of Jack snuck out one night' it repeats one night two times so I would change that. But overall, good story.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say days past I think you should change it to days passed. Your story was a little confusing.
ReplyDeleteAn interesting idea for your story this week. It works and has an unsualy twist at the end. It would help if you read your story out loud to other and check over for fluency. In the first line you repeat night. I am also confused about being forced into the death phantom. Your peers have some great feedback for you to use.
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